The most annoying things about erotic masseuses.

Since now it seems to be trendy to list all the annoying things that customers from erotic massages have or do, I though it would be good to list the most annoying things that customers have to face when they visit erotic masseuses (some of them are kind of funny as well). This list refers mostly to masseuses that work outside of the established massage parlors.  I believe they are the majority in the market and the ones where the massage experience is less predictable.

My first list refers to the experience before the massage takes place. A second list will follow about annoying things that happen during the massage:

1- Fake photos and / or age: The fact that there are still so many adds with fake photos and / or age is shocking. Regular massage customers for sure had at least once the experience of arriving to a masseuse’s place and finding that the beauty in the photos is actually a toothless granny that bought her lingerie in 1988 and gives massages while onion soup is cooking in the kitchen. That or a masseuse that is so fat that you are afraid that you come out of the massage looking like a pancake. Anyway, the blame here  is also on the customer’s side: if they would turn around more often, those scammers would be out of business. Also, the most popular website for these scammers adds (Annonce) has a link on each add where you can denounce the add as fake. I’ve tried it and it works (add got removed after 24 hours). Maybe you should try it as well.

2- Difficulty to contact the masseuse: seriously, those girls have a massage business and they make it so hard to contact them? In an era where most people use WhatsApp, Telegram, etc to communicate with each other, many of the masseuses accept „calls only“. And then they never pick up the phone. One of the masseuses I know only accepts bookings by phone or email. Never replied to my emails and never picked up the phone. For over an year. It’s easier to book a meeting with the king of England than to contact some of the masseuses. Ok, there is one reason that I can think of to cause this behavior: they don’t want foreign customers. Fine. Just write it on your add and problem solved.

3- Masseuses that write in big letters „I DON’T PROVIDE SEXUAL SERVICES“. Ok, that’s fine. You just slide your naked body against mine, you play with my cock until I reach an orgasm while I play with your breasts and / or your vagina. But that’s NOT a sexual service, it’s „just“ a massage. If it makes you feel better I can say that you are a music teacher that likes to play the pipe. Also, be clear on the services you provide. For example “ no touches allowed on the masseuse intimal parts“. Well, what does that mean? For some masseuses that means boobs and vagina. For others it means just vagina. For others it means no fingers inside. With some masseuses you almost need a dictionary to understand what is allowed or not.

4- Price lists that look like an IKEA instructions guidebook: Ok, we get it – nowadays everything is extra and a basic massage is just the girl touching your back with her hands. But making everything extra almost forces the customer to get a calculator if he wants to know the final price of a massage. We need a more simple process for this, where it’s clear what is included or not and some straight forward options to chose from. This is getting so ridiculous that soon masseuses will be charging for a shower or an extra long towel.

5- Masseuses keeping their address a „secret“: Ok, I understand you don’t want to have your address known by everyone, but providing only half of your address to a customer protects you from what? Quite often the masseuse says: „Go to street X and then call“. You arrive there and you call. New instructions „Go to the next street Y and when arriving at number 69, call again“. You arrive at 69 and call. Then they give you the bell number and you can finally go up. Do these masseuses realize that the guy they are talking to may not be where he says he is? If he wants to play with you he can be in London, Luanda or Rio de Janeiro and call you from there. He will still get your address, so what’s the point of the secrecy? Once a masseuse on the outskirts of Prague sent me an address. When I arrived she told me I had to go to the next village, 5 Kms away. Seriously?

6- If you say discreet, keep it discreet: how often regular massage customers have to wait outside some building while people are coming in and out, waiting for the masseuse to open the door or answer your call? Sometimes ten minutes outside gets you profiled for life with the grannies seating in the benches outside. And then, comes the masseuse in a bathrobe or sexy clothes to open the door for you. Everyone now knows that you are going to your math’s lesson. When you promise discretion it should be for you and the customer. And I’m not even mentioning the rare occasions when you are coming in and see the previous customer come out. Wow, fantastic, that recently used pillow is waiting for you to put your face on. How thrilling…

Next list with annoying things that happen during the massage will come up soon…

Cheers